Ep 187: Feelings Check In on navigating Personal Challenges, Entrepreneurship and Ambition

[00:00] Okay, I think that was okay. Totally. The Feelings Check-In is a podcast for people who love to listen to two women overshare about the challenges of building a business, navigating careers in tech, and trying to have a personal life. I'm Natasha Hoskins. I'm Dina Burke. And this is Boys Club. Wait, is it just Boys Club? It's just Boys Club. [00:20] The Boys Club podcast? No. No. [00:23] - Just boys club. - Hi. - Hey. - How's it going? - Good. How are you doing? - Here we are. [00:30] We're starting the year. [00:31] Nope. We're ending the year. Starting strong. This is the feelings check-in. The feelings check-in is a podcast where we talk about our feelings for a few minutes. [00:41] Publicly. [00:42] Mm-hmm. [00:44] A lot of the time that has to do with our feelings about running a business, being in tech, being in crypto. Sometimes [00:50] the feelings are more personal. Sometimes it's a mix of everything, which is what you're going to get today. We're professional overshares is, [00:56] the TLDR on this podcast. [01:01] I don't know. There's something about like having malware in the feed and people are coming and getting crypto news and then coming to a podcast that's so feelings first. I don't know. [01:10] If you're, I guess all that to say, if you're [01:12] If you're coming here and you don't [01:14] never listened to boys club before and this is the first podcast you're listening don't listen to this [01:19] no just know that i don't know we're just a feeling it's a feelings podcast womanhood is a spectrum and this rss podcast feed is demonstrative of that reflects that very clearly so yeah strap in we're gonna talk about some things today some personal things and how that affects work

[01:39] And... [01:40] Let us know what you think. [01:43] Hey, Natasha. So a question we get asked a lot is, what do you look for in a crypto platform? So let's talk about it. Well, Dina, I look for a secure, no fuss platform that I can dive into right away. That's why I love today's sponsor, Kraken. If you're waiting for the right time to get into crypto, Kraken makes it super easy and intuitive to get started. Plus, if you get stuck, they have an award-winning client support team that's available 24-7, along with a bunch of educational guides, articles, and videos to help you along the way. If you're ready to check out [02:12] kraken.com backslash boys club and see what crypto can be not investment advice crypto trading involves risk of loss and is offered to us customers through payward interactive inc okay so today's feelings check-in um [02:28] is... [02:30] We're going to see how far we make it. [02:31] uh, [02:32] talking about what we have plans to talk about [02:35] And then we'll go from there. [02:37] So we had a little pre-meeting on the feelings check-in this morning. Yeah. [02:41] that resulted in tears already. So we're already in. I also feel like once you break a seal on the tears, on the crying, [02:49] You're just prone to start crying again. You can't stop. You cannot stop. Yeah, totally. Which has been the last four months of my life. You're like the seal. The what seal? [03:00] The high note of what we're going to talk about today is like... [03:03] when things are happening in your personal life, how it affects your professional life. And I,

[03:09] I've been going through divorce. [03:11] And it has been very hard. [03:13] And... [03:15] he's a wonderful person. I love him a lot. It's not, [03:19] hard because of that. [03:20] It's not hard because he's... [03:22] Treated me poorly or [03:24] anything like that. [03:27] Yeah, there's a lot of love there. [03:30] arguably makes it [03:32] more difficult worse yeah harder yeah um [03:35] And [03:37] that has been [03:40] a [03:43] Just... [03:46] a cloud around everything that... [03:49] is in my life right now. And [03:53] I [03:56] I have never gone through anything. [03:58] that feels like that before and it has made doing the work [04:03] being an entrepreneur. [04:06] I don't want to be an entrepreneur right now. I would like to be anything but an entrepreneur right now. [04:11] Like I'm just like, oh, I want to show up. [04:15] Somewhere. [04:17] Be compensated for showing up at that place. Clock in. [04:21] And... [04:22] Cut out. [04:23] and like have one of those jobs where you like work from home but you really [04:29] spend like 35 minutes on the computer sending a few emails and then you're like you have one of those like [04:35] mouse jigglers that exactly makes it so that you look active on microsoft teams or whatever exactly i want to show up to like a kpi meeting on zoom and then not say anything and then at the end be like thanks

[04:48] - No updates for me. - No updates here, yeah, exactly. And I've never, ever been like that. I have been my whole life, my ambition has been [04:58] my [04:59] most consistent and truest thing about me and wanting to make something in the world, wanting to be known for that thing, wanting to generate things, [05:12] my work and [05:15] my creative output from an engine inside of me has like always been a thing for me and [05:22] I... [05:23] I'm now having the experience of like, I've never been less ambitious in my life. [05:26] And of course, that is a result of... [05:30] the season that I'm in and, [05:33] what I am working through [05:35] in my day to day. And, [05:37] Thank you. [05:39] It's... [05:40] *sniff* [05:41] It's hard. It's really hard. And I think there's a lot of questions I have around... [05:51] how [05:54] to operate [05:56] business when [05:59] You're just trying to make it through the day. [06:01] Yeah, and like [06:02] Yeah. [06:03] that being a really [06:05] really [06:06] bizarre, like a surprising result of this season. And [06:11] an unanticipated outcome of what [06:14] um [06:16] decisions that were made. [06:17] For your personal life, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[06:22] How much do you think? [06:24] When I'm hearing you talk about that, [06:26] Thank you. [06:28] I agree that when I think about you and when I think about the things that define your character, [06:35] I think [06:36] Definitely your ambition is like [06:39] at the top, near the top or at the top of the list. [06:42] In addition to you being funny and beautiful and lovely. Thank you. But like, that's right there too. And, um, [06:52] And then I think but I think also it's [06:54] It's a... [06:56] little bit of an Achilles heel to where it's like that is there's two sides of [07:00] there's the shadow side, whatever. I don't know what language people are using these days to talk about that type of thing. But like, [07:06] it can be something that [07:08] is [07:09] destructive as well for you, for people, but whatever. But I just am like thinking and reflecting on that. And I wonder just if part of it is in a moment where like your identity has changed so much. [07:25] in just such a major way where you were one thing [07:29] in one type of relationship for a long time and in, [07:32] and [07:33] the world as a certain type of person and now you're in the world as a different type of person [07:38] in that identity change and like rug pull, if that feels [07:42] like other parts of your identity are up for [07:45] up for grabs too and like up to be questioned. And if like part of the change in your ambition is part of you realizing that certain parts of your identity that you thought were fixed are no longer

[07:54] Quotes are fixed. [07:55] Yeah, totally. [07:57] And... [07:58] I think... [08:00] It's interesting because... [08:02] Mm-mm. [08:03] "I got married when I was 22." [08:06] I [08:08] Thank you. [08:08] met the person I married when I was 20 my entire adult life [08:12] I... [08:14] was in a very committed relationship, the most committed of relationships. And [08:20] that [08:21] forms and informs so much of who you are in the world and how you show up. [08:25] Mm-hmm. [08:26] the world and [08:28] so much of this season has been like an exploration of my own identity and who I am and how I want to be. And, [08:36] how much of all of [08:39] Everybody in the world contains multitudes and [08:43] exploring those multitudes and picking up parts of who you are and looking at it and [08:49] asking questions about it and, [08:51] deciding whether that [08:53] is the type of person you want to be and if those things feel true to you and [08:57] I think one of the things that I [08:59] didn't anticipate about [09:02] This season was, I knew I wanted [09:04] to do that and explore... [09:07] these other versions of [09:08] me and my life and [09:11] other parts of who I am. [09:12] But it's bled into these other areas that I really... [09:16] couldn't foresee one of them being how I feel professionally and like, [09:21] work. That has been the most surprising one. There's all these other ones that I was like, oh, okay, that kind of makes sense. And like, I can see how that could happen. But...

[09:27] work and [09:30] how important and how central to my identity. [09:34] work is [09:36] has been, [09:37] I never anticipated that. [09:39] I think it's really good because I do think I had a really unhealthy relationship. [09:45] successful. [09:46] and [09:47] being perceived as successful and [09:49] having a business that is impressive and like all of these things that I really want [09:54] were [09:56] so important to me. They, they ruled my life. Mm-hmm. [10:01] And... [10:02] having a freedom from some of that is really nice. I think I feel really... [10:11] guilty. I feel like a lot of guilt around it because... [10:15] I [10:18] it has required like, [10:21] not showing up in the same way. And I... [10:25] don't like that feeling and I don't know how to navigate that and I feel [10:31] bad for you and Miranda and like feel like dead weight right now and sitting at my computer and [10:38] moving the mouse around. Like literally just being like, [10:42] It's taking me all day. [10:45] It's taking me all day to do this thing that should just take me 15 minutes. But like, I literally can't. [10:50] get there. - Uh-huh. [10:52] It's awful. [10:54] And it's awful when you're also feeling really shit about yourself, not having this thing that you could...

[11:00] That used to make me feel like [11:01] I'm so capable. I'm so good at this job. I feel like if there's one thing that I could hang my hat on is being really fucking good at my job. [11:09] And like, [11:11] I don't know, you go through a hard season and you lose every... [11:14] little thing that you get to hold on to that makes you feel... [11:18] good about yourself. [11:20] There's something really good about that. [11:22] Because it makes you... [11:24] dig ego death ego death [11:27] Yeah. Ego death. And... [11:29] Makes you go to the deep end in a way that you can't if you have these things that you're holding on to. Yeah. Yeah. [11:34] that's it's interesting to think about that idea of like picking up [11:39] things and looking at them and like you can't do that you can't do that with just one stone yeah [11:44] You can't just do that with one part of your... [11:46] personality or one thing, everything is so connected in a way that like, there's a cascade effect. As it pertains to like the day to day work, I don't I want you to feel released from that. [11:56] There's seasons we all come in and out of it and you're not dead weight. [12:01] And I don't think of you like that. I don't can't speak for Miranda, but I don't think. [12:06] I don't suspect she thinks of you like that either. [12:09] And... [12:11] we all have moments where we're in and we're out and it's totally fine. And I feel very open handed about the work and boys club and stuff like that right now. So I, it doesn't, [12:22] It doesn't bother me at all. What comes up for me is that I just want you to just like, [12:25] go, I just want you to [12:28] take care of yourself in a way and don't have to feel like you need to show up to the computer every day.

[12:32] Yeah. Like I'm like, you should just go to the library and read a book. And I think that would make you feel better than. [12:40] Yeah. [12:41] Trying to... [12:42] Trying to dig in to some place that like you it's you don't have it. I don't know I don't feel dead weight at all and my only feeling is that like I you should just take time to do a [12:54] make some bread. I don't know, whatever it is that you feel like. [12:58] Um, I, I, [13:01] Yeah, that means a lot. I think [13:03] I'm really grateful for you and Miranda and like what you guys [13:06] Mm-hmm. [13:07] how [13:08] - I think it's a good thing. [13:11] You have been there in many, many ways. And I think like, [13:16] I think you're right in that when I say I don't want to be an entrepreneur, the reason for that is being an entrepreneur requires... [13:23] a creative well. [13:25] Like you have to, you have to, [13:27] pull from a thing that is... [13:30] new, like that's like literally the only definition that I can really relate to as an entrepreneur is you're creating something out of nothing. And when you're [13:38] looking inside and you're like i literally have nothing here right now it's impossible to do [13:44] feel good about the work. Impossible. [13:47] and [13:48] So... [13:51] you know, inspiration finds you working. And I think work, [13:54] can look like a lot of different things in a season when you're [13:58] learning a lot about yourself and in a big transition and, um,

[14:03] I think I have to [14:07] Trust the process and also trust that these things will come back. [14:12] the like [14:14] desire to be [14:16] Totally. [14:17] creative and successful, I think I will find again. [14:20] Or it will come, it won't, or something, and something else will take its place. I think... [14:25] Also part of it is [14:28] like not to call it depression or whatever, but like [14:32] Yeah. [14:33] You don't want to do anything right now. Totally. [14:36] Nothing. [14:37] Nothing. And I think that's impossible to pray from. So yeah. [14:42] I don't know. I just want for you to not [14:45] have any feelings about certainly me or Miranda or the boys club or any of that like I think that should be the last thing on your list of concerns [14:52] I would love for you to like find a hobby that feels... [14:56] that feels separate from work, that feels separate from [15:02] Yeah. [15:02] I think I that's not working out. I know that's not exercising. That's not tied to your physical identity. Yeah. [15:12] Yeah. I think you need [15:14] That would just as your friend... [15:16] That's what I hope for you. Yeah. [15:21] really agree deeply. I, um, [15:25] I had an art teacher in high school who was like a mentor in my life for many years. And like, I lived with her for a time and she's a really amazing person and artist. And she was in town this weekend and it was so nice to see her. And,

[15:37] We were talking, I was like, I think I want to start like drawing and like painting again. [15:41] It's just really hard to start. [15:42] it's like really hard to start a creative thing. - Yeah. [15:46] She was so encouraging. And one of the things she said was... [15:50] Don't worry about, you don't need to be worried about [15:52] what it looks like, what your [15:54] which everybody says when you're like staring at a blank sheet or canvas or whatever, it's just like, don't put that aside. Um, [16:00] And [16:01] the thing that is... [16:04] the thing of it is that [16:07] you [16:08] can work through and understand things about yourself and about what you're experiencing and what you're feeling. [16:15] through [16:18] physical creative act in a way that like [16:21] you can't with anything else that like language or writing or it just [16:25] doesn't translate and [16:27] She's like, if you need to feel like there's some productivity around it. [16:31] know that that's a working through something that like you can't get to anywhere else and [16:38] So that's a New Year's resolution for me to have a... [16:42] creative, [16:43] And I think for a long time, like that creative expressions have, has been my businesses and like the work and that. [16:51] isn't working right now for many reasons. So anyway, all of this to say, if you're going through a tough time out there and you're feeling like, [17:02] Doing the work is hard. [17:05] There's many other people who probably feel that way. And it's...

[17:11] Maybe going to be okay. [17:13] Certainly is. [17:15] Any other feelings that you're having? Yeah, I think one other feeling... I just... [17:20] Hearing you say that I think [17:23] Part of what [17:24] has been interesting about being witness to you in the season and like as it relates to work and our business is that i realized how much of it is [17:32] the energy of everyone i am motivated off of your energy [17:36] Mm-hmm. [17:37] And so it's not even like I the thing I actually miss the most is actually not like deliverables. I'm not like, oh, Natasha [17:44] So [17:45] Like didn't do this thing and now I have to do it. I haven't had that a single thought in that way ever but like [17:52] I think it's just more, [17:54] Thank you. [17:56] Yeah. [17:56] Oh, that makes me feel good. [17:59] It's just like your energy. Yeah. That makes me feel really good. I miss it. It's harder. I don't know. It's hard to put into words really, but it's more just that. Oh, that makes me feel good. That makes me feel like. Oh, good. Good. [18:12] I have something to bring to the world. Totally, totally. And I think that's what that's what I'm like having to need to generate more of that on my own. And it's. [18:22] Just harder. Yeah. [18:24] Yeah. [18:24] Um, [18:26] Yeah, I see that. And we did planning last week for Boys Club and... [18:32] It was great and we like really got to some things. [18:35] But the first day I was like, usually what's hard about planning is that like we're all so opinionated. We're like, this is the way, this is the direction, this is how it should be, this is how it should show up. And the work is negotiating that against all three of us and getting to then what,

[18:49] Because all of us are right and all of us are wrong. Like that I know to be true. But like. 100%. [18:54] that [18:55] whole thing. And... [18:58] the whole first day i felt like i was looking uh being a [19:03] being outside of my body and watching the room and being like, [19:06] Who's that bitch? I was just like, yeah, that's that works. [19:09] if you're excited about it, I can do that. Yeah. And I was just like, wow, I don't, I do not recognize this person at all. And then, you know, the end, we all got to something and I had more opinions on what, [19:22] what it all should be. But [19:24] I totally feel [19:27] that [19:28] in myself and I could [19:30] and understand deeply how [19:32] It's nice to know that [19:33] That's missed. That's missed. Yeah. That's the thing that's missed. [19:36] but it will come back or it won't and that's okay and it will be something else [19:41] And we'll figure it out and everything's gonna be fine. And I know that. [19:45] Yeah. [19:47] Great. I'm holding space for that. [19:50] Ha ha ha. [19:52] Okay. I also just want to say one last thing. In this season, showing up to a podcast every week where you're supposed to talk about your feelings... [20:02] has been... [20:05] challenging and I just... [20:08] hope for the listeners sake. [20:11] It's still been interesting. [20:12] I hope that there's been... Because every week it's like, what do you want to talk about? And I'm like... [20:17] Thank you. [20:18] I'd like to talk about being depressed.

[20:23] And it's like, I don't know. I don't know. So thanks for listening. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for coming along the ride with us. Yeah. [20:29] you [20:30] It's time for a more open, inclusive, and transparent financial system. A system that serves nearly everyone, everywhere, all the time. That's why we love today's sponsor, Kraken. Kraken is a crypto platform that provides a super simple on-ramp to the world of crypto with a 24-7 support team. Crypto transcends physical and imaginary borders. No matter where you are, you can send funds easily and quickly to almost any part of the world. Plus, forget about waiting times and waiting lines. You can send, receive, and trade crypto anywhere near instantly. [21:00] B at kraken.com backslash boys club, not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss and is offered to us customers through payward interactive Inc. No third-party transfers available. [21:12] Okay, let's look at some draft tweets. Oh, actually, I have something. I don't have anything in the drafts because I've just been sending shit. Yeah. And one that I posted yesterday should have stayed in the drafts. Certainly. [21:25] 100% but I shipped it anyway because I was like what do I have to lose literally not a thing at this point I said nothing like a Monday 8 a.m pap smear to really kick off the week [21:37] and token gay who is one of my favorite people on twitter yeah you know that meme of that girl she's like a black girl she's like sitting on the couch and she like looks down at something and is like oh [21:48] Mm. [21:50] like really like wow that's not for me he responded with that gif which was perfect perfect perfect yeah man nothing nothing nothing like it just the worst putting your heels in that

[22:04] Can you move a little down, please? Further down. Can you scoot your butt down? I'm just like, I couldn't be more exposed here, lady. The bright light shining. Exactly. That's the worst. Hospital lighting. Also got my HPV vaccination. Just getting it all set up. Oh, cool. Which I should have done when I was 13 years old, but I didn't. So now here we are. I like aged. I was in the wrong age for that. I never got one because it came out after... [22:30] After. [22:31] Yeah. After I got it. [22:37] So I never went back. Um, [22:40] Anyway, any drafts on your end? No, not really. No drafts, really. I will say that just on... [22:48] on Twitter. I don't know why my mom at school pick up asking me about crypto is performing so well. I tweeted yesterday about a mom at school pick up asking me over for coffee to talk about crypto. I don't know why it's doing numbers. I'm like, I don't know. [23:00] I totally get it. Yeah, everybody's like... [23:03] That's the... [23:04] That's the hope that they... [23:05] neat it's it's um hopium it's hopium it's okay okay it's hopium for the for the feed yeah for sure okay i wasn't expecting that people are really juiced up [23:17] On it. [23:19] Oh, well, of course, all time highs. All time highs. Beautiful to see. What's not to love. What's not to love. When people are like, how's work? I'm like, well, all time highs. [23:27] That's my answer right now. That's a perfect answer. It's a full sentence.

[23:34] *laughs*